Today I will be talking about two questions:
1. Should I, as a woman, dress a certain way, for the benefit of others? Largely, my answer to this question is no.
2. How should my faith affect my sexuality throughout the different seasons of life?
The Myth of Modesty
I have come to the conclusion that I must dress in a way that makes me feel comfortable, first and foremost. That may sound selfish, but if I am uncomfortable in my own clothes, I can’t make as great an impact on the world. Now, it just so happens I think of myself as someone who dresses modestly. However, I’m sure some might disagree based on certain things I wear. I have some objections to the idea of dressing modestly for the benefit of others.
1. It limits personal responsibility for thoughts and actions. This is the most important reason. The message that a woman’s body can “cause” a man to sin is dangerous, in my opinion. Looking at a female, noticing she is attractive, or even having an involuntary physical reaction to looking at a female are not sins. It becomes a sin when a man dwells on her body and begins to covet her, and those thoughts are completely within the control of the man, and out of control of the woman. No matter how a woman dresses, a man could lust after her. On the flip side, I contend that men typically do not go around lusting after every woman they see wearing shorts. Trying to prevent the sin of lust by dressing a certain way is futile, which brings me to #2:
2. It is a fool’s errand. Related to 1., basically what I mean by this is that no matter how I dress, there could always be someone who looks at me and thinks I am dressed immodestly (if they are making it a spiritual issue), or simply that they “don’t want to see that” (if they are just expressing an opinion). Well, if you don’t want to see it, don’t look. If there were a hypothetical person who took either moral offense or fashion offense at the color orange, no one would indulge them by refraining from wearing orange. Furthermore, no matter how modestly I dress, there will always be those who choose to dress differently (less modestly, you might say) than I, which negates any benefit of me dressing modestly to society as a whole or to men in particular.
3. Modesty is highly contextual and ever-evolving. I try to dress in a manner that is appropriate for the context I will be in. That being said, when I dress “professionally,” it is certainly possible that colleagues may think I look inappropriate, because they have a different notion of what “professional” means. For example, I have heard it said that a woman wearing make-up cannot be taken seriously when giving a presentation in the sciences. In contrast, I have heard it said that a woman not wearing make-up is distracting. Furthermore, what is considered acceptable professional attire will vary from workplace to workplace. Beyond that even, imagine wearing your “modest” one-piece bathing suit to Sunday morning worship. I’m guessing most people would think you were dressed immodestly. Ultimately, I choose to use common sense and dress within societal norms, while not worrying specifically about whether individuals within that society will judge me to be dressed immodestly. You can spend all your energy trying to make sure you look exactly right and modest for each context you may encounter, or you can instead devote all that energy to living life.
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| St. Jerome, wearing no shirt, being “tempted” by fully clothed ladies. Here’s a quote from one of his letters: “Your very dress...is an index of your secret feelings. For it ... trails along the ground to make you appear taller than you are….And when in public you for modesty’s sake cover your face, like a practised harlot you only show what is likely to please.” (emphasis added) It sounds to me like he was the one with a problem. |
Recommended reading about modesty:
“Women Swiftly Running Out of Things that Aren’t Sexy” by Bad Catholic http://www.patheos.com/blogs/badcatholic/2014/06/women-swiftly-running-out-of-things-that-arent-sexy.html
“Modesty: I don’t think it means what you think it means” by Rachel Held Evans
The Problem with Purity
I grew up in the era of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and True Love Waits. I appreciate what my parents and youth leaders were trying to do - instill in me the value of monogamy preserved in marriage, and save me a lot of heartache along the way. Somewhere along the lines, though, the popular message of the day taught me several things:
1. Purity was only my responsibility - boys cannot control themselves so you have to be extra careful.
1b. Your body causes boys to lose control so you have to cover it up - see previous section.
Obviously the idea that boys cannot control themselves is false, and teaching it to girls could be seen as contributing to rape culture by blaming victims of sexual assault for “tempting” their attackers.
Obviously the idea that boys cannot control themselves is false, and teaching it to girls could be seen as contributing to rape culture by blaming victims of sexual assault for “tempting” their attackers.
2. Your virginity is the gift you should save for your husband - if you don’t have it to give, what good are you to him?
Prioritizing virginity to the highest degree is objectification just as much as pornography is. It is telling a girl that the thing of worth she has to offer her husband is her untouched body. Obviously, it should go without saying that the thing of worth a girl has to offer her husband (or whomever she chooses) is her whole self as a person.
Prioritizing virginity to the highest degree is objectification just as much as pornography is. It is telling a girl that the thing of worth she has to offer her husband is her untouched body. Obviously, it should go without saying that the thing of worth a girl has to offer her husband (or whomever she chooses) is her whole self as a person.
3. Any boy that tells you he loves you is lying to get in your pants - from this I learned that any boy must not love me if he wanted me sexually. This one in particular, coupled with the flip side of the coin which Ryan was taught (if you love her - don’t sexualize her), caused no small amount of struggle in our early marriage.
Let me try to sum up: I was taught that my female body was both dangerous, and thus needed to be covered, and that it was this great gift I was giving my husband (I can hear my poor brain whispering, "but I have a great personality"). Since my husband ended up being someone who grew up in church with me, he was getting the other side of this message, which is that you don't pressure girls, you try really hard not to have sexual thoughts about girls. Due to Jesus magic, even after being told all this, we were told our sex life would be awesome once we were married. I can tell you, once you've been practicing being ashamed of your body for 5 years, and practiced not having sexual thoughts about girls you know, it's really hard to do a total 180 on both of those and enjoy the honeymoon.
Lastly, one unfortunate lesson I never learned at church is that it wasn’t my fault if a boy pushed himself on me. I certainly don’t consider myself the victim of rape, or anything so dramatic. However, there were experiences in my youth that involved lack of consent on my part, and after the fact, my attitude, informed by the above messages, was “well, the horse is out of the barn, no reason to refrain from that activity anymore.”
I will be raising my children to understand the benefits of lifelong monogamy. However, I will teach them that each person, male or female, must take responsibility for their own actions. I pray that they won’t be ashamed of their bodies the way I was, and that they can have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality through-out life. I will be teaching them about the importance of consent for any sexual activity at any time.
If God created us, he created us as sexual beings. I have to believe that we are not to be ashamed of our bodies or our sexuality. Of course they are intended to be intimate, shared within the confines of a loving relationship, but I am convinced there must be a way to accomplish this end without teaching young people that sex is shameful.
Recommended Reading: “Naked and Ashamed” http://theotherjournal.com/2014/03/03/naked-and-ashamed-women-and-evangelical-purity-culture/
Appendix: Modesty and Motherhood
Of particular relevance to me at this point in my life is the breastfeeding-in-public as a modesty or courtesy issue. Really, I look at this the same way I look at modesty in general. When a person goes out into public, they open themselves up to the possibility of seeing a wide range of people and activities. In America, most states have laws that protect breastfeeding as something people have the right to do in public. So, when you go out in public, it is possible you will see a nursing mother. Just like it is possible you will see man wearing no shirt, or a woman in short shorts, or someone with an offensive (to you) slogan on their T-shirt.
Breasts exist to feed babies. Because they were for so long essential to nourishing offspring, they eventually became attractive to men in a mate (on the evolutionary scale). Because of that, they have been sexualized. However, even though they are involved in reproduction in the sense that they are involved in nourishing the young, they are not (necessarily) involved in sex. Asking women to forgo using them for their intended purpose in public just because people find them sexually attractive is silly. You might as well say people cannot show their legs while walking.
My suspicion is that people often assume anyone in public that is doing something they find offensive has no good reason for doing so. “Why couldn’t they just do this differently?” they ask. Well, let me tell you: It is unreasonable to ask mothers to simply stay home for the duration of their nursing relationship. Nursing is recommended to at least 1 year, and newborns frequently nurse for as long as 45 minutes at a time with only an hour between feedings. You can’t load up the crapload of baby supplies and expect to get all your errands accomplished in the time between feedings. So, the idea that a baby will never get hungry in public is just not reasonable.
Next, sometimes using a nursing cover was not practical for me. If it is extremely hot, for instance, it could be unsafe for the baby. There is a reason it is not recommended to put a blanket in the crib until 1 year. And yet, we expect people to throw a blanket over the head of an 8 week old? Personally, there were times I felt using the cover drew more attention to the fact that I was nursing than if I had simply discretely nursed without a cover. Additionally, people may believe that by not using a cover they are contributing to the normalization of breastfeeding, which an important public health goal. I personally would certainly never begrudge a mother for covering up while nursing, or keeping nursing private. But, I also think it is okay if they don’t want to.
Lastly, given the general public’s lack of tolerance for crying babies, I’m guessing many mothers nurse in public exactly to avoid the judgemental looks when their baby starts to fuss too loudly. Let’s just not even talk about the idea that nursing mothers should go to the bathroom to nurse, okay?
Recommended Reading:
For a laugh: “How to Breastfeed Appropriately” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/how-to-breastfeed-appropriately_b_5530806.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular
For serious: “How Breastfeeding Benefits You and Your Baby” http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-breastfeeding-benefits-you-and-your-baby_8910.bc
